Thursday, July 8, 2010

Today I Cried

Most days I count my blessings (so to speak) and feel incredibly fortunate to have two beautiful children. Some days I cry.... because I love my son and want so much for him; so much that he can not yet do. Today was one of those days; the tears were unstoppable. Even though I know how fortunate I am to have my healthy and beautiful children today was once of those days that I wanted to go back to bed, bury myself in the covers and cry myself back to sleep. My son has had some rough days; lots of seizures... which makes him irritable (understandably) and then very sleepy. This is the reality with William. We will have several good days where he is cooing and trying to make eye contact; alert and happy. He wants to be included and loves hearing Ella's voice. He hits his light up toys and has a voracious appetite ... then we will have several days of sleep. Days that I struggle to keep him awake long enough to eat a meal without choking, days that I miss his eyes being open. I call these the absent days and I miss him horribly; although he is physically present yet absent... my heart literally aches.
On these absent days my mind is raw and exposed to wander to dark and depressing thoughts. Thinking about the grey and gloomy "what if's"..... On these days Ella is my light... her laughter; her humor and her precocious attitude keep me going.
Today was Thursday; our weekly parent/child group at a local school for children that have various special needs. My mom took Ella on a special date so it was just William and I going to the group. I was excited for a chance just to focus on Will during the class... he had other plans. He wanted to sleep... so I tried to wake him and it eventually lead to a complete melt down. He was inconsolable and I had had enough. It has been a rough week with preschool evaluations; checking "no" on so many developmental milestone boxes; trying to tell professionals (that I had never met before) how he HAS made progress even if it does seem small.. only to hear an indifferent, "aha...ok well, next question."
So I made excuses and left todays parent/child group; I raced William out to the car and broke down. Completely sobbed... until I was calm enough to drive. William slept in his carseat... I drove around town just listening to some of my favorite music until the tears were gone. When we got home William woke up and smiled; glad to be home and I was ready to face another afternoon.. eager to see my daughter. Once in the house William feel asleep again and slept most of the day; I had to wake him for meals; he choked a lot. Another day of absence; my heart aches.... and yet tomorrow is a new day. I hope to see his beautiful blue eyes more often tomorrow....
now if only I could force myself to sleep and think of tomorrow

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