Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Poems and Paper

As always I feel the need to mix things up a bit; blogging on the computer and the old fashioned writing on paper... reading on my Nook followed by a paper book....
Whatever method you choose; if you still crave the feel of paper here is some I have a passion for...

I love the office supply section in stores. I take my time (when I can) and admire all the new styles of notebooks and journals. I even enjoy just a thick brand new legal pad....ohhh lala paper; it gets me excited.... strange I know but true.
Yet, if you find yourself in a bit of a conundrum because you love both paper and trees; check out the links above. More pricey but recycled and oh so pretty. I also found some paper made from stone at a local store. The pages are super silky and unique but much more heavy than regular paper....go figure ....

Happy writing ....

I will leave you with a poem to ponder...

Invictus by William Ernest Henley (1840-1903)
(Invictus is Latin for Undefeated)
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
and yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll

I am the master of my fate;
I am captain of my soul

Saturday, January 22, 2011


I finally took the bandages off and stared that incision down. Not a tear was shed; although it looks as bad as I imaged and is four inches long. I guess I am stronger than I thought. Updates on results to come soon and then I promise to stop talking about my anatomy and move onto much more exciting topics.....

Quick update on William; seizures come and go. Today he had a longer one than usual which was concerning. He seems to have a cold so that might be affecting threshold levels. The appointment with GI went well; although I saw Dr. Brown for a total of ...oh lets see.... 1 minute. I talked mostly to a wonderful nurse who is willing to work with William and I to give this Keto diet our best shot. William will begin reflux medications next week with the goal of moving back to the 4:1 fats: carbs/protein ratio (blah) in hopes of better seizure control.

Tomorrow is Wayne's b-day; he and I are going out for a nice adult dinner... alone....woohoo. Tomorrow we are also taking the kids to Disney on Ice at the Blue Cross arena. My mom and dad used to take me to these shows when I was young and I loved them. I can't wait to share the experience with my kids.

Have a Wonderful Weekend!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Things You Should Know If Your Breast Is Going Under the Knife and other Inappropriate Musings

A few months ago a lump was discovered in my breast and after further testing; a duct full of filling defects was also found. So the lump and the entire duct along with some normal tissue and ducts had to be removed for testing. As with any new experience I have a whole list of "firsts" from my surgical biopsy. I will spare my readers by omitting the more grisly firsts but some could be considered, in hindsight, comic. Of course I am not saying that the situation is at all funny; I have undergone a considerable amount of stress. Surgery aside, there is the potential issue of pre-cancer or cancer and all the concerns a diagnosis would bring for a young mom and caregiver. Looking back at the surgery though; keeping a light attitude was the best plan and laughter can be a way to cope. So here it goes; things I wish I had known before meeting a breast surgeon and before going under the knife.....

1. As for the initial consult with the surgeon; no wine and dine here it's all about second base...so just whip them out ladies. Not that you will have to whip them out very far; your attire will consist of a flimsy pink paper that opens in the front.
2. Take a pre-surgery shopping trip to stock up on your favorite comfort foods, a sturdy sports bra **** with clasps in the back****.... not the over the head type!!!, and a BJ's size bottle of pain killer.
3. Make yourself a sling; not the type for your arm.... (see pic LOL) Put on your super comfy bra and then bind that baby tight because every wiggle and jiggle will hurt. Make a sling for home and one for under your cloths (out of heavy gauze) for public. Really, I am not kidding here...most mommies can't afford to spend much time in bed even when sick or recovering.... SO MAKE THE SLING!!!
4. Limit testosterone in the pre-op room. Wayne is awesome and supportive but he would have been better off staying in the waiting room for awhile. When the surgeon arrived and made the move to untie my gown Wayne practically jumped in front of him crying , "I'll do it"....whoaaa buddy... no tackling in the pre-op room.
5. Here is a first; having someone initial and draw a "roadmap" on my breast. The initials have not washed off easily but I am glad he operated on the right one....pheww
6. Bring a good magazine, book, or your Nook to occupy your mind during pre-op... and don't let your husband steal it....
7. The anesthesiologist is your friend; communicate well with him/her but be prepared for him to laugh at the things you say coming out of the anesthesia. After waking up I lunged forward calling "William... where are you, are you ok??" .... after being pushed back down the anesthesiologist was laughing saying, " Hey, I thought your husbands name was Wayne"...
8. You may be wheeled into the operating room while still awake and very alert. Prepare to be de-gowned and surrounded. If that in combination with the bright lights and equipment make you anxious tell your friend to hurry it up with the IV drugs. Don't ask nicely; just add a little panic and he will act fast ;-)
If you are like me you will be lucky enough not to remember the actual surgery and have a very numb boob until the following morning. You will wake up with it hurting like hell but until then have yourself a feast then kick back, and sleep. Wear your sling and make everyone do heavy lifting for you....

Although I am trying to make light of the situation; of course I am still very apprehensive about the tissue results. The incision is also still bandaged I have yet to see it. The breast is very bruised and swollen. Even after all is said and done; I will probably cry when I see the 3-4 inch angry red incision; if he followed his "roadmap". I am not a stranger to scarring; I have a total of 15 inches of scars on my body but this is the first for my breast. Am I vain? I like to think I am not.... but I will still probably cry in front of the mirror. Hopefully though when good news comes back from my surgeon I can look at the scar as a symbol of good health and strength. Even if the results show cancer; I know I am strong and have plenty of fight in me :-)

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I have been very introspective lately; lapsing into long silences and deep thought. Which would be a valuable process if the end result was a stronger self-posession and a firmer resolve. Self Possession defined in the Dictionary: calm, confident, and in control of one's feelings; composed. Nope....not by a long stretch. My thoughts veer towards worry; "stewing" as my husband calls it and entirely unproductive.

Today I broke loose; got in the car and drove to one of my favorite places. Hundreds of trees; oaks and evergreens, mounds of snow, and silence....lovely, thick, silence. In The Woods my thoughts seem to slow down and settle like a new fallen snow in the sunlight. My imagination sparks to life; worry turns productive. It's always been this way for me; a strong sense of place. Somewhere I need to be to make sense of things. I feel the same way when standing with my feet buried in sand; watching waves on the ocean.... calm.

Wayne said, "go" and so I did and I took the dogs. He took the kids. I walked and walked in the cold until I was ready to go back and prepare for our upcoming week. On Tuesday I am taking William to see a Gastroenterologist at Strong hospital. GI is of the opinion that if the Ketogenic diet is causing reflux I should simply take him off it. I am not of this opinion because the diet does seem to be doing its purpose; decreasing seizures. So I must go to the appointment well prepared and ready to advocate. On Wednesday I am having personal surgery/surgical biopsy at Highland hospital. I want answers and they come with a small price. I can handle this challenge though; of this I am now certain.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
- Robert Frost

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Christmas In Pictures

The Holiday season began with a Christmas concert
My singing angel refused to wear a halo
William and his girlfriends...
" I am ready for Christmas"!!!
Decorating at grandma and Grandpa's house...

Ella is ready for her first Ballet class!!

She is also a firewoman on the side......
Her tough stance....
Diesel 10.....with the claw!! So exciting..
William opening his stocking...
"oh this shiny paper is so exciting"
Ella takes notes with her Princess Belle pen
The tree with the Polar express train and track

So much to do; so little time....
Phewww finally some cuddle time with Grandma
William loves this lava lamp on loan from an awesome friend
My Family...... Happy 2011!!